I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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