apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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