i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I look better un-naked...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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