she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
