Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
