We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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