I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
