She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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