I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
