When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
