If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
