I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
one two three fourrrrnication!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
