I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
