I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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