I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
