this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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