Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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