Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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