i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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