I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
