i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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