It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
