Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
