I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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