I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
