I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
