every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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