I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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