So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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