Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
These tits shall not be calmed
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
