When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
