i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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