5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Boobs are out for the taking
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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