I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
only you would photoshop your dick
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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