thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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