I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
