It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He better not be in your backpack
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
