I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
