I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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