Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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