Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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