nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
