You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
