We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
