just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize
