I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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