Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
