You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
