she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
