My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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