i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
