mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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